Now that you’ve reached the legal age of consumption, Family Weekend ― previously little more than a trip to Wegmans, a nice dinner and maybe a jaunt over to Destiny USA for a hot pretzel and some new jeans — has become another Syracuse-style test of drinking acumen.

The best thing about Family Weekend is the expensive liquor. I don’t foresee a situation in which the average dad is down to get down with a crisp, refreshing Natural Light or even the most artfully crafted Barton’s cocktail.

That’s not to say you’ll be slamming down buckets of Lagavulin 16-Year-Old scotch, either. What we need is to find a happy medium, remaining within the realm of college without stooping to our usual lows. There will be no Barton’s, Keystone Light or Seagram’s Seven Crown. We’re looking at mid-range liquor, what we’ll refer to as “College Top Shelf.”

For vodka, try Tito’s Handmade Vodka or Ketel One Vodka, whereas for whiskey we’re going to be looking at brands like Bulleit Frontier Whiskey and Knob Creek Bourbon Whiskey.

The parents are coming to town, and they may have vastly different tastes. I was going to present to you a drink for mom and then a drink for dad, but this is 2017, and taste is no longer dictated by chromosomal data. Here’s a nice, strong, collegiate cocktail crafted for the highly discerning tastes of the entity that shall henceforth be referred to as Guardian No. 1.

Guardian No. 1 wants something strong, something that’ll get them real messed up without being too sweet. Guardian No. 1 definitely isn’t on a diet, but they’re definitely not drinking whiskey sours and rum and Cokes like they used to ― that’s kiddy sh*t.

Try this, Guardian No. 1.

The Orange Aggressor

1 oz. Jagermeister

1 oz Bourbon whiskey

.5 oz Simple Syrup

.75 oz Freshly-squeezed Orange Juice

Pour the ingredients into your cocktail shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into a chilled rocks glass with ice. Garnish with an orange peel. 

The Jager keeps it college, the bourbon makes it all grown up. Orange because of, like, Syracuse or something.

Guardian No. 2 is the kind of person who would be actively repulsed by even the suggestion of putting Jagermeister into their body. To be fair, the stuff looks like poison and suggests degeneracy via its very existence.

Guardian No. 2 is watching what they put into their body. Maybe they, unlike Guardian No. 1, are on a diet. Maybe they’ve been trying to convince Guardian No. 1 to get on that diet for years, but Guardian No. 1 can’t help but to indulge in carbs, sweets and dark liquor.

Maybe Guardian No. 2 should keep their opinions to themselves and stop judging others for their lifestyle choices. Maybe, though, they’re onto something. Guardian No. 2 is trendy and health-conscious and demands a libation that’s just like them.

Here’s the vodka water.

The Vodka Water

Mikey Light | Contributing Writer

1.5 oz high quality vodka

4 oz water

Pour the vodka and water into your cocktail shaker with ice. Shake with vigor. Strain into a glass with ice. Garnish with a lot of citrus.

No, it doesn’t just taste like watered down vodka. This is a very pleasant cocktail that mostly tastes like whatever citrus you put it with. Very tasty. Very refreshing. Very hip, just like Guardian No. 2.

But if you’re like me, and you’ve no parents visiting this weekend, do not fret, for I’ve pulled out a recipe from the depths of alco-hell just for you.

THE SIDEWALK SLAMMER

1 40 oz bottle of Malt Liquor

1 Four Loko

All of your courage

All of your might

Drink the malt liquor until you’ve reached the label. Open the Four Loko. Think very hard about whether you really want to do this to yourself. Then pour until you’ve reached the top of the bottle. Despair.

Do not drink more than one of these. I hope they figure out some way to make this drink illegal in the future.

Published on October 11, 2017 at 9:59 pm

Contact Mikey: mlight@syr.edu