A weekend back home in Pittsburgh for two football games — one NCAA contest between Pittsburgh and Toledo; one NFL matchup between the Steelers and Browns — invites one question. What’s better: professional or college football?

I’ll R.S.V.P. with the answer.

After careful deliberation, here’s a play-by-play on how the two stack up.

NFL: Fat sports writers pick on the Bengals’ decade-long mismanagement. NCAA: Fat sports writers pick the national champion. (7-0, NFL)

NFL: Players receive “favors” at the Gold Club. NCAA: Players receive favors at Dillard’s department store. (10-0, NFL … you might as well use your favors wisely)

NCAA: Orange-helmeted players line up for the Orangemen. NFL: Orange-helmeted players line up for the Browns (10-3, NFL … college gets a field goal for logic)

NFL: The Panthers, Cowboys and Rams have combined for a 5-7 record. NCAA: The Panthers (Pittsburgh), Cowboys (Wyoming) and Rams (Colorado State) have combined for an 8-6 record. (10-3, NFL … nobody scores with mediocrity)

NFL: A fantasy draft requires a basement, two pizzas and a 12-round player selection. NCAA: A fantasy draft requires a front-row seat for the soft touch of wind that reaches the bleachers after cheerleaders perform a routine of leg kicks. (10-10)

NFL: In the typical United Way commercial, Vinny Testaverde entertains a classroom of children. NCAA: In a typical commercial, University X shamelessly plugs its own greatness, showing images of students who spend their days performing cutting-edge research in beaker-filled test labs. (false advertising, offsetting penalties … still 10-10)

NFL: Almost every game is decided by less than a field goal. NCAA: Almost every game is decided by less than a field goal — at least they were when Boston College was shaving points. (17-10, NFL)

NCAA: Steve Spurrier’s starting quarterback was Shane Matthews. NFL: Steve Spurrier’s starting quarterback is Shane Matthews. (17-13, NFL … Matthews was better in college)0

NCAA: If a game goes into overtime — for example, a deadlock between, say, the Washington Huskies and the Boston College Eagles — both sides, Washington and then the Eagles, get a chance with the ball. NFL: If a game goes into overtime, the outcome is still decided by two sides — this time, of course, Washington and the Eagles represent nothing more than heads and tails on a quarter. (20-17, NCAA)

NFL: Miami running back Ricky Williams ranks second in the AFC with 460 rushing yards. NCAA: Miami running back Willis McGahee ranks second in the Big East with 533 yards rushing. (still 20-17, NCAA)

NFL: In postgame interviews, players grateful for their big games have a tendency to thank both God and church. NCAA: In postgame interviews, players grateful for their big games have a tendency to thank both God and Temple — especially its porous defense. (23-17, NCAA… you gotta love the cupcakes)

NCAA: Players’ positions can’t be identified simply by uniform numbers. Player No. 87 could be a punter. Player No. 22 could be a quarterback. NFL: Players must adhere by strict number regulations. (23-20, NCAA … the pros get a field goal for organization)

NCAA: Former players still tell stories about Barry Switzer’s ability for deceptive game planning. NFL: Former players still tell stories about Barry Switzer’s inability for deceptive gun-packing. (30-20, NCAA)

NFL: Top announcer Al Michaels is heard by millions of TV viewers each Monday night. NCAA: Top announcer Keith Jackson, who now broadcasts just Pac-10 games, has disappeared from the East Coast faster than the Fresh Prince after his one little playground fight. (30-23, NCAA)

NFL: Players who commit costly penalties are publicly assailed by refs who call on them by number. NCAA: Costly penalties are simply on “the defense,” not an individual player. (30-30 … this one drives the press box crazy)

NCAA: Playing fields, like BYU’s LaVell Edwards Stadium, are named after razor-sharp coaches. NFL: Playing fields, like the Patriots’ Gillette Stadium, are named after razors. (33-30, NCAA)

NFL: A team with an 8-2 record is on its way to the playoffs. NCAA: A team with an 8-2 record is on its way to the Outback Bowl. (37-33, NFL)

So, in a high-scoring thriller, the NFL wins with a dramatic comeback. The game was close, mainly because Shane Matthews was playing all-time quarterback, but the pros had it all along.

Now, if you’ll forgive them, they’re off to the Gold Club to celebrate.

Chico Harlan is a staff writer at The Daily Orange, where his column appears each Tuesday. E-mail him at apharlan@syr.edu.

Published on September 30, 2002 at 12:00 pm